Excerpts from the Toon Ace Catalog

Neurostimulating Vibronic Ray

As we all know, whenever you find out about a Giant Mutant/Alien Invasion/Catchoolu Cult or some other threat, you then have to race against time to stop it! Wouldn't it be nice to have more time in which to ready your brilliant counterplan? Of course it would be, so Ace Industries has invented something to really get you moving! Our Neurostimulating Vibronic Ray will cause any creature exposed to it to move at Incredible Speed and get three actions per turn instead of one! That should let you get your Monster Trap/War Plan/Counter Spells ready in record time! So don't be a slowpoke, order from Ace today! Price: $4,000.

Note: If this device suffers any shock damage (say, from being dropped or banged around), it might work differently. Examples of this would be slowing the subject down to one action every three turns or causing the subject to move so fast that they burst into flames. Please handle the Neurostimulating Vibronic Ray carefully! (Carefully? In Toon? You've gotta be kidding!)

Landsharks

These huge sharks stand upright and walk around on their tail fins. Though he looks every bit as vicious as his sea-dwelling cousins, the Landshark is really a hard-working public servant, dedicated to delivery as a way of life. Though his fearsome visage and toothsome grin often scare folks away, the Landshark is actually very kind and gentle. Why people slam the door on him when he appears with a package is a mystery to him (he's hard-working, but none too bright . . .).

The Landshark's favorite job is candygram delivery person, but they also find work as pizza, flower, grocery and overnight parcel delivery people! Easily-spooked adventurers may panic when they check through the peephole and see this fellow on the other side.

Top 25 Scenes That Opening A Door (Any Door) Can Reveal

1. A stampeding herd of 500,000 buffalo
2. Earth as seen from the surface of the moon
3. A crowded street in Hong Kong
4. Oncoming CarToon Wars duelcars, with guns blazing
5. A giant bloodshot eyeball
6. A collapsing dam and a wall of rushing water
7. Santa's workshop full of happy elves
8. A train tunnel, with a speeding train coming out
9. A stampeding herd of 500,000 turtles
10. A dungeon hallway, with or without monsters
11. Hell (or an IRS audit, whichever is worse)
12. The bottom of the ocean, complete with singing fish and mermaids
13. A giant mouth (bad breath is optional)
14. A huge formal party full of dancing people
15. An atomic explosion (YOW!)
16. The Dealers Room of a very large, midwestern gaming convention
17. A stampeding herd of 500,000 dinosaurs
18. An exact duplicate of the character who opened the door and the room he's standing in
19. A charging rhino
20. A charging wino
21. A WWII movie battlefield (with or without John Wayne)
22. The bridge of a very famous television starship (either version)
23. A giant nose (mustache optional)
24. A very angry dragon
25. A stampeding herd of 500,000 clams (say what?)