Well, perhaps it would be better if we started with
what was the intended function for this device. It
was a fairly simple notion: Essence is the ultimate
holdout weapon, so finding some way to drain it from
people would be useful, right? Especially when one
has to keep the holder alive and (futilely) kicking
for a while. Will-Shackles and Impudites each have
their points, but the first is expensive and the
second are untrustworthy. - besides, the idea is to
have something that couldn't be resisted, period.
That was the intent - and, indeed, Spigots more or
less accomplish the above. However, there are several
problems.
Surprisingly, the fact that the original design was
Vaputech is not one of them. Spigots don't randomly
explode, implode, turn the user bright plaid, eat
through everything except tapioca pudding, violate the
space-time continuum (well, maybe a little, but not so
you'd notice) or do anything similarly obnoxious. The
design is, in fact, elegant: one simply acquires a
helpless or unconscious target, attach the relic to
his or her forehead, affix the attached tube into
their own navel and turn the spigot. Out comes the
Essence (1 per round), no fuss, no muss, no spoilage.
True, it looks a little tacky (or at least looks like
a really odd fetish), but that's not the relic's
fault.
No, the first problem is that it doesn't work on
anything that lacks Symphonic Awareness. This makes
it impossible to use on regular humans: in fact, using
it on a regular human (or on any entity that is
currently out of Essence) will result in the user
losing all of his or her Essence to his or her
"victim". Excess Essence is turned into Disturbance
(at the rate of 5 points per note of Essence wasted).
This is not the fault of the relic: the documentation
clearly warns about this.
Second, while the device can be used on an unconscious
entity, they'll still feel subconsciously violated
- and that flavors the Essence. For every note
drained, the user will acquire an appropriate Discord
(Fear and Angry, usually - though Lustful happens more
often than anyone likes to think about)/1. This will
last for at a day (or until the note is used). Again,
the documentation convincingly proves that this is an
unavoidable side effect of the process.
Third, well, one cannot expect that any Essence drawn
this way is going to reconstitute itself as neatly,
correct? Of course not: indeed, the fact that 2 notes
of Essence drawn through a spigot take up the
metaphorical space of 3 'regular' notes is a triumph
of Vapulan engineering. The documentation points out
that the prototype had a 1:4 ratio, and that a 1:1
ratio is expected with the next generation of Spigots.
There's even a free upgrade offer: just fill out the
enclosed card.
Finally, most Impudites hate this relic: they've
usually got a decent deal going by being mobile
Essence batteries for their colleagues, and anything
that might break this up is going to be viewed with
deep suspicion. As a result, open possession of a
Spigot is worth a -5 reaction from any Impudite
(including Princes, incidentally). Admittedly, this
is not openly stated in the documentation, but any
intelligent observer would be able to work it out by
the lack of Taker testimonial quotes, or by the fact
that it's never been advertised on NTV.
All in all, there's no reason to kick and scream
because the relic isn't perfect: one works with what
one has, and Spigots are useful when properly
operated. Besides, anyone who operates a celestial
artifact without thoroughly going through the
documentation first deserves everything that happens
to them.
What do you mean, 'What documentation?'
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