Typical Superior Responses To A Servitor Who Is Trying
To Explain Just Why He Has Been Transformed Into A Cow
Blandine: "Is this a problem? I mean, you do most of
your work in the ethereal plane anyway..."
David: "Bring me the head of the demon that
transformed you, and then we'll talk about putting you
back. In the meantime, I suggest that you practice
your stampeding."
Dominic: "And just... excuse me." (Hum of
Archangel-level Seraph resonance coming online)
"Right. Now, if you'd just explain how this wasn't
your fault, we can continue. And where's the rest of
your Triad?"
Eli: "Dude. You're, like, a cow. That's so cool.
Hold on a second." (Hum of Eli-power activating)
"Wow. This is like such a different perspective, you
know? I never realized how intense it is to be a cow.
Hey! Let's go EAT some grass for a change!"
Gabriel: "Go forth, thou Bull of the Lord, and strike
a blow against those who Cruelly devour thy new
brothers in bovinity. Trample them under the stampede
of Heaven's just
retribution!"
Janus: "Oh, this one I've just got to hear..."
Jean: "I presume that you have not entered this state
voluntarily, given that the form that you are
currently taking is neither useful to Heaven in
general nor Lightning in particular. It will be thus
necessary to investigate the phenomenon further: I
will assign a team to investigate. You will, of
course, provide input to the team.
"No, actually it would be better if you remained in
this state until a proper report has been generated:
the condition is not causing you physical discomfort
and it would be rash to attempt to transform you back
until we have a grasp on what caused the change in the
first place..."
Jordi: "Excuse me? You want your vessel to be changed
back? Are you suggesting that there's something wrong
with being a cow? I didn't think so. You'd like to
get an enhanced perception of the nature of bovine
existence? Most wise of you."
Laurence: (wearily) "As if this job was not
complicated enough. No, do not explain. Just take a
new vessel out of stores and get back to what you were
doing... and avoid such episodes in the future."
Marc: "You know, I can't think of a single thing to
say that you probably haven't said to yourself
already. Just trade it in for a new vessel and we'll
say no more about it."
Michael: "You know, I've got an undercover job in
India coming up that you'd be perfect for..."
Novalis: "Well, you make a very cute cow, for what
it's worth. Sure, I can switch you back, but have you
thought about working with this form for a while?
Just think about how influential you could be in rural
regions..."
Yves: "Ah, yes. And so it begins..."
Andrealphus: "Ooh, you kinky boy, you. Where did I
put my branding iron?"
Asmodeus: "I presume that you have not compounded your
idiocy by letting anyone else know of your
weakness..."
Baal: (sound of various safeties being clicked off)
"CLEAR DOWNRANGE!!!!!"
Beleth: "Good: it'll keep you from being distracted.
Get going! It's nighttime somewhere on Earth..."
Belial: "You are so lucky that I've already checked to
see whether you really can make a cow explode."
(pause)
"On the other hand, it's raining out and I'm bored..."
Haagenti: "Mmmm... cow. WHERE'S THE BARBEQUE SAUCE,
FOR THE LOVE OF LUCIFER?!?"
Kobal: "Heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh-hah.
Heh-heh-hehheh-heh. Mwahh-hah-hah-hah-hahhh..."
Kronos: "It is gratifying to see the outside finally
match the inside. What? No, I think that the
condition should persist for a while, from an
aesthetic point of view alone..."
Lilith: "So, just how badly do you Need to be switched
back? And just how badly do you Need for your
Superior to never find out about this? Sure, I can
wait while you think it over: of course, it'll cost
you..."
Malphas: "You know who did this, right? Yes, it's
just who you thought it was. Very clever of you to
work it out: still, I really do think that you should
do something about this, don't you?"
Nybbas: "Cows are, like, so five minutes ago. Do I
look like Gary Larson to you?"
Saminga: "Can you still kill humans like that? If so,
why should I care?"
Valefor: (Holding head) "No, no, NO. How many times
do I have to say this? You wear leather; it doesn't
wear you. On the other hand, you've got enough
internal capacity now to walk away with a mint, so
maybe we can work with this."
Vapula: "And here I was wondering what I'd be working
on this afternoon. Tell me, just how many articulated
weapons pods do you think would fit on your new
flanks? Ooh, I wonder if there's enough room for
internal plasma batteries? Well, let's find out,
shall we?"
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