April Fools Dungeon Tech
For Toon (Or Any Other Game You're Willing To Inflict These On)
by Doc Cross
Just like any other fantasy RPG, Dungeons & TOONS has its share of magical weapons, armor, and other items. Also, just like any other fantasy RPG, sometimes magical things are cursed to do strange things when used. We like to think of these funny and dangerous curses as the ultimate fantasy RPG April Fools joke. The hapless characters and their players may think differently about them, especially once they've Fallen Down a few times. Here is a selection of goofy cursed items to toss into your next Dungeons & TOONS game.
Sword of No Hitting
When used for any purpose other than combat, this seems to be a perfectly good (and very cool-looking) broadsword. However, when the time to fight rolls around, that all changes. The sword just will not hit anyone on a roll of less than 12 (and that's a natural 12, you sly rules lawyers) or 2 (ditto). The blade will get soft and spongy or all limp like a cooked noodle or it might even disappear . . . but it won't hit. Worse yet, you cannot drop it during combat. You can hold it in one hand (or foot, pseudopod, or whatever) while you use another weapon, but you can't let go of it until combat is over. Assuming, of course, that by then you aren't so badly beaten to a pulp that you can't move.
Bow of the Cosmic Shift
It looks like a normal bow . . . it feels like a normal bow . . . it even smells like a normal bow . . . heck, it might even taste like a normal bow, if you are strange enough to taste it. Not surprisingly then, most of the time, it works just like a normal bow. But not all of the time. You see, whenever the Animator feels like being evil (and Animators often feel like being evil) the bow activates a Cosmic Shift and something screwy and potentially painful happens. The bow might fly off while the arrow stays behind, or you might get shot from the bow by a suddenly anthropomorphic arrow, or the bow might just explode. Whatever happens, it will be completely unexpected and will Boggle everyone who sees it.
Ultramagnetic Armor
This fine suit of plate mail will just up and get highly magnetized on a Fight roll of 5 or less. It will stay magnetized for 1d turns, during which it will attract other suits of metal armor and anything else made of steel or iron (like big nasty sharp weapons and angry iron golems). Damage will vary, but should be at least 1d points of Magnet For Disaster Damage per item that hits you. There may be even more damage done to you by the cranky folks wearing the armor that hits you. And don't even ask about the ticked off iron golems.
Boots of Invisibility and Drunkenness
Oh yes, these are some bad boots, my friends. Sure, they do make you invisible while wearing them . . . but they also make you falling down drunk! One turn after you put them on, you'll find you have a -5 to all Zip rolls, a -5 to all Smarts rolls and a -3 to all Muscle rolls. On the other hand, your Chutzpah goes up by +3. Drunks are bold, but stupid. While you are drunk, you will stumble around and speak in a loud but slurred voice. You'll offer suggestions on how to do things to anyone you see. You'll try to pick fights with creatures who can swat you flat with one pinky. Finally, you might also sing very loudly or even start crying and telling other characters that they are your best friend. Fortunately, once the boots are removed, you sober right up. Unfortunately, you have a terrible hangover and suffer 1d points of My Head Is Going To Explode And A Dog Must Have Slept In My Mouth Damage.
The Bad Bad Hat
This hat can be any style the Animator chooses, but no matter the style, it is of very good quality and makes you look very stylish. It also adds a +1 to both your Smarts and Hit Points, for as long as you are wearing it. So, seems like a pretty good piece of headwear, eh? Wrong! Once you attempt any offensive combat action (including spellcasting, backstabbing and yelling vicious taunts), the hat will activate one of the following random effects. Animators, roll 1d for . . .
Roll of
1
Shapechange into an animal smaller that your original size
2
Shrink to 3 inches tall
3
Gain 1d X 100 pounds
4
Shapechange into an animal larger than your original size
5
Age 1d X10 years
6
Split into two versions of yourself. One is good, one is evil.
All of these cursed effects last 2d+2 turns. Please be aware that the only way you can remove this evil sombrero is by convincing somebody else to buy it from you. Good luck.
Ring of Plentiful Spellmiscasting
Wearing this ring allows you to cast any Toon spell in print, including spells not specific to Dungeons & Toons. Unfortunately, the ring will alter the effects of the spells whenever the Animator thinks it would be funny. Naturally, the Animator also chooses how the spell is altered. And just to add insult to injury, once every day the ring will turn you into a muskrat for 3d turns.
The 10-Foot Pole
This is a good stout 10-foot long pole. 1d times a day, it will cause you to sprout eight extra feet, anywhere on your body that the Animator chooses. The effect lasts for 2d turns unless you get Boggled, in which case the extra feet disappear . . . until the next time.
Great Axe of the Screaming Whirlwind
Unlike the Sword of No Hitting, this big bad axe will let you hit in combat. You'll hit enemies, friends, innocent bystanders, trees, rocks . . . pretty much everything near you. See, once you swing the axe in combat, it causes you to spin faster and faster and faster (that's where the screaming part comes in) until you are a whirling blur of steely destruction. Once the whirling starts, it lasts for 1d+1 turns and does six hits per turn which do 2d points of Whirling Steely Destruction Damage per hit. The Animator will decide who or what gets whacked on each of the six hits. No doubt other characters will be doing a lot of diving out of your way. After the whirling stops, you'll be very dizzy for 3 turns. Any Zip, Smarts or Muscle rolls done during this time will be at a -3. After 3 turns, you'll be okay again. At least, until the next combat.
Cloak of Unwanted Courage
When you have this cloak on, you'll look very cool and elegant. It even gives a +2 to your armor class. It's too bad looking cool and elegant and having good armor doesn't count for much when you can't run away from certain doom. The curse of this cloak is activated when you decide that those who run away not only live to fight another, they don't have to deal with all that pain. No, this cloak will cause you to stand and fight no matter how badly you want to chicken out and run. Only Falling Down will break the curse until the next fight. If you want to break the curse and get rid of the cloak forever, the Animator should be able to come up with a screwy quest that will do the trick.
The Belt of the Shared Wedgie
This belt's curse doesn't activate during combat . . . it can activate at any time the Animator thinks it would be funny (remember what we said about Animators feeling evil?) or inconvenient to you and those around you. Here's how it works: The belt will glow bright green and a loud voice will yell out "WEDGIE!". Then, every character and creature within 60 feet of you (including you, naturally) gets a wedgie that does 1d+2 of Cursed Magic Wedgie Damage. It doesn't matter if creatures aren't wearing underwear or pants, they still get a wedgie. Naturally, this will put everyone in a bad mood and will have them looking at you and that glowing belt. Have a nice day!
Article publication date: March 29, 2002
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