50 Awful Things About The Illuminati

By Steve Jackson

1. There are many Illuminated groups, with different kinds of secret knowledge. Anything you might say about them (including this) will be false for some of the Illuminati, but true for others, which only adds to the confusion and mystery.

2. The Illuminati infiltrate and take over organizations of all kinds, from churches to the post office to the corner grocery store, and turn them to their own ends.

3. And, just as a black joke, some of their subject organizations advertise themselves as Secret Societies.

4. They have agents and "sleepers" planted everywhere. Many of these people have no idea who they are really reporting to. Others are active members of the conspiracy, working their way ever deeper into the fabric of society.

5. They control the schools in order to make sure that young people learn to enjoy strange tuneless music and weird outlandish games, and that they dress oddly.

6. They also try to recruit the best and the brightest young people as agents, to insure the next generation of the Conspiracy.

7. They constantly feud among themselves and war with other groups and organizations. Each group of Illuminati is constantly striving to increase its power base and undermine the competition.

8. Their first means of dealing with opposition is to buy it off. To any group as rich as the Illuminati, a few million dollars are nothing.

9. Next they try threats. Danger to possessions, status or loved ones has dissuaded many a would-be foe of Illuminati schemes.

10. And, of course, murder is an ancient political weapon. The Illuminati have been responsible for some of the most shocking assassinations of modern times.

11. They also replace people with doubles. For many years they recruited look-alikes who would serve their ends. Now they are perfecting cloning technology that will let them replace anybody.

12. Those who can't be dealt with any other way are discredited or driven mad.

13. The Illuminati conspiracy is hundreds, if not thousands, of years old. Many of the most famous names of history have been Illuminated, or Illuminati agents. Indeed, all of history is nothing more than an outside view of the schemes and struggles of the Illuminati.

14. And, of course, the Illuminati are constantly rewriting history to serve their own goals. For instance, modern schoolchildren are taught that there is no historical evidence of Jesus Christ, and they learn nothing about the Russo-German War or the state of Arcadia.

15. They control the news media, so you hear what they want you to about today's news. Any event that doesn't fit in with their program will be quickly hushed up.

16. In particular, they control television. They don't permit intelligent shows to survive; they encourage mind candy that will keep people from thinking. The only reason good shows are permitted to appear at all is to convince intelligent people that nobody else likes such material, and that there must be something wrong with them.

17. The Illuminati manipulate the stock market and control currencies on an international level. Your paycheck is worth just what the Illuminati want it to be.

18. Likewise, the entire "energy crisis" is an Illuminati invention. There's no shortage of energy, of a dozen different kinds, but plentiful free energy might threaten the Illuminated power base.

19. The Illuminati are doing their best to hold back the space program, for the same reason. If mankind was spread out through the solar system, they'd be much harder to control. [Not all the Illuminati agree on this. Some of them lust after the mineral wealth of space, and some want (literally) new worlds to conquer..

20. And some of them are in touch with aliens from outer space. Some of them ARE aliens. Why would "advanced beings" want to meddle with the affairs of Earthlings? Good question.

21. Worse, some of them have actual magical powers and are in league with forces from ... elsewhere. Great huge beings that are madness to look upon, or tiny, malicious things that glare and gibber from dark corners. They have pins and dolls; they know old names.

22. Other Illuminati have embraced technology. Their files of information are much more useful when backed by the power of the computer. They are also conditioning everyone to believe that computers are so complicated and dangerous that only the Experts should play with them. Next time you get an electric bill for $666,666.66, you know who's behind it.

23. And some of these technophiles have gone a step farther, creating actual machine intelligences. These sentient computers are now, themselves, a force amoung the ruling Illuminati.

24. The Illuminati don't like war; it's expensive and wasteful. War only happens when two groups of Illuminati are very evenly matched and neither is willing to negotiate. But then they whip a few nations into a patriotic fervor and go at it.

25. They send secret messages through the newspapers and airwaves -- in the classified ads, and even buried in news reports. They have other, even stranger forms of secret communications ... all around you, all the time.

26. They keep everyone -- yes, everyone -- under constant surveillance. Every time you fill out another questionnaire, you're weaving another strand of the net that binds the world.

27. They are working to make the law as confusing as possible, so everything will be illegal or potentially illegal -- then they have a hold on everybody and everyone will fear the laws.

28. They encourage resistance to authority among young people and political dissidents, to distract government attention from the real enemy within.

29. But when they reach a satisfactory level of control, they turn their efforts toward extinguishing independence and encouraging mindless obedience to whatever orders come from the Illuminati or their servants.

30. They commit random atrocities -- poisoning food at grocery stores, murdering old blind ladies, sniping on the freeway -- just to make people vaguely confused, frightened and paranoid.

31. They suppress inventions which might change the status quo. The 100-mile-a-gallon carburator, the perfect contraceptive, and the cornucopia plant are all lying in Illuminati vaults, waiting for the day when it will suit the Secret Masters to release them. What happened to the inventors? Bought off, intimidated, or just vanished.

32. On the other hand, they also maintain secret laboratories where they develop new weapons and devices of all kind.

33. Their arcane investigations cause all sorts of mysteries. Ever wonder about the Loch Ness Monster? The "cattle mutilations?" The Oregon Crud.

34. And they require hundreds of human victims every year for their experiments. Ever wonder why there are so many Missing Persons reports, and why so few of those people are found.

35. They are constantly experimenting with new types of mind control. They put drugs in drinking water, flash subliminal messages during movies and TV shows, and play instructions that you can't quite hear over supermarket loudspeakers. They experiment with microwaves and ultra-low-frequency devices, too.

36. And every wire in your house is a potential pathway for Illuminati messages, attacks or controlling rays. Did you ever stop to think just how many wires lead to your house? And do you have any idea where they really come from?

37. Naturally, they discourage investigation of the strange and unusual, because it might lead to them. But they encourage people to joke about the Illuminati.

38. They also publish supermarket tabloids, just to make sure that everybody thinks "Hitler's Brain Is Alive!" and "Bigfoot Seen In Hawaii" are just jokes.

39. And they encourage the craziest pseudo-science "researchers" they can find, because this tends to discredit legitimate investigators into the unusual.

40. A popular belief is that the Illuminati want power for its own sake. This is true of some of them. But other Illuminated groups exist to support an ideology, to achieve a particular goal, or simply to oppose some other group of Illuminati.

41. One of their chief preoccupations is life extension by any means possible. Nobody who has held ultimate power for fifty years is eager to let it go. Anything you can think of ... yoga, cryonics, body-exchange, magic, cloning, goat (or other) glands, transfusions, computerized personality duplication ... has been tried by the Illuminati at one time or another. And some of them work.

42. Furthermore, powerful Illuminati from past centuries lie waiting to be revived when science allows it. Mummies, pickled corpses, frozen bodies, conscious brains in jars ... you would recognize the names if we could mention them.

43. You're not cleared for this one.

44. They use disease as a weapon to discipline their own populations or destroy competing ones. Black Death in Europe, smallpox among the American Indians ... The swine flu, a few years ago, was thwarted by opposing forces, or you probably wouldn't be reading this.

45. They have a variety of unhuman and inhuman servants. The dreaded Men in Black are perhaps their best-known agents. No one knows whether the MIBs are androids, golems, or something even worse. Perhaps they were once human...

46. And they really are breeding a Master Race. The Nazis had no idea how they were being used, or why. And they'd be horrified at the Illuminati's idea of perfection.

47. The Illuminati know weird sexual techniques undreamed of in the Kama Sutra. They also know why those techniques are used.

48. The next time you spend too much money to buy something you didn't want or need, and it breaks in a week, you can be sure you've just contributed to an Illuminati fund-raising project.

49. They start chain letters. They also plant rumors that the Red Cross can buy an iron lung if you send them a million cigarette packages, and that dying children in England want ten million business cards. No one knows why they do this.

50. Fnord.